In response I have decided to create the first ever Power Ranking system with no bias either in selection of the teams OR the methodology of some automated system.
Without further ado:
1. Charlotte Bobcats (1-6): Never count out Larry Brown! While his team's paltry offensive numbers and win total may have you underestimating their team, they clearly have something right going for them.
2. Philadelphia 76ers (2-5): Breathe a sigh of relief for Doug Collins. Apparently the team he thought was worse than he thought is now a contender!
3. Miami Heat (5-2): This result will surely upset Laker fans, but what doesn't? Interesting note: Lebron's usage % is slightly down this year at 30% from 33% on Cleveland. Wade's has stayed at ~34%, which is higher than any of Lebron's years in Cleveland.
4. Los Angeles Lakers (7-0): Don't hate me, I'm just the messenger! Los Angeles has had a hot start with Kobe Bryant deferring to Pau, and Lamar Odom stepping up in a big way. If they continue like this, they might one day catch Charlotte in these standings!
5. Oklahoma City Thunder (3-3): Everybody loves the Thunder! Except horses.
6. Indiana Pacers (2-3): To be honest I haven't paid attention to a single Pacer game this year. Is Collison doing well for them? Is Mike Dunleavy healthy? How about the Granger kid? I hear they have an amazing stadium!
7. Denver Nuggets (4-3): Is Aaron Afflalo's hot start a fluke or a sign of things to come? Or a sign of the end times drawing nigh? Or all 3? Only time -and the Dark Lord- will tell!
8. Portland Trailblazers (5-3): I like that Batum kid. His name sounds like a Godzillan footstep. And Rudy Frenandez is no longer upset at not starting, despite the deep seated hatred I assume the Spanish national has for his French teammate!
9. Golden State Warriors (5-2): Holy moly this team is playing better than expected. I assume they're only this low because everybody's terrified it won't continue.
10. New Orleans Hornets (6-0): You would expect a 6-0 team that had beaten the #3 team on this list to be ranked a little higher wouldn't you? Too bad! Remember, these rankings are bias free. What they rank is an objective statement of fact.*
11. Toronto Raptors (1-6): Don't be upset, Raptor fans- when translated into metric units this list makes no sense whatsoever!
12. New Jersey Nets (2-4): Jordan Farmar moved to the Nets to get more minutes, so he's getting 3 more of them per game! His shooting % is down from 43% to 29%. Of course everybody I looked up on this team had seen their FG% go down. At least they're slightly better than last year!
13. Chicago Bulls (3-3): Tom Thibodeau's defense is not quite set up yet, and his offense isn't much better. Both are pretty average. Therfor it makes sense for them to be .500 and around the middle of the pack for the Perfectly Unbiased Power Rankings.
14. Boston Celtics (6-2): Quite the tumble for the defending Eastern Champs, I know, but on the bright side, last year these ranking didn't even have them as existing!
15. Memphis Grizzlies (4-4): It's not cool to root for Mike Conley to fail just so you can make a lame joke about how his last name sounds like the adverb form of "Con."
16. Atlanta Hawks (6-2): Why don't Hawks fans ever go to their games? I'm guessing its because they don't give away a free pizza once a game like they do at Warriors games!
17. Houston Rockets (1-5): Anybody who saw this team starting the season 0-5 is a jerk and a cynic. And possibly racist!
18. Utah Jazz (3-5): Despite what many tend to think, Power Forwards are not standardized car parts that you can substitute in and out at will. Jerry Sloan will get more from this team, but Al Jefferson and the Jazz will take some time to acclimate to each other.
19. Milwaukee Bucks (2-5): Scott Skile's teams are known for their defensive skills more than their offense and true to form, his Bucks are 6th in the league in defensive efficiency but second to last on offense. I'm unsure if its possible for him to be the reincarnation of Larry Brown if Larry Brown is still alive. I don't see why such a physical barrier would stand in the way of such a spiritual process, though. Make sure to check for rifts in the Time Space Continuum when their teams meet.
20. Minnesota Timberwolves (1-6): By my count, exactly 1 good thing has ever happened to this franchise. Maybe one and a half if you count Cassell and Sprewell showing up that one year.
21. Cleveland Cavaliers (3-3): So should Minnesota tell Cleveland fans to quit their whining? Or did Lebron's more painful departure entitle them to it, while Minnesotans were generally happy to see KG get a shot at what they couldn't give him, like an impotent man who hires gigolos to satisfy his wife? Um, yeah.
22. Dallas Mavericks (4-2): I'm thinking of adding bias to these rankings so that Mark Cuban doesn't write a column about how stupid I am. Man, the numbers don't lie!**
23. Washington Wizards (1-4): I can respect Colin Cowherd's die hard Quaker beliefs, but respectfully disrespect his enormous idiocy.
24. New York Knicks (3-3): I think everyone is on the same page with Amar'e as the cornerstone of a franchise. It's a stretch, but less of a stretch as David Lee. It'd be nice if he rebounded more, but he needs help. Watching this team makes me hurt inside for Mike d'Antoni.
25. Sacramento Kings (3-3): My main thought when I heard about Tyreke Evans's speeding was how aptly it related to his game on the floor. Except his car needed to be bigger.
26. Orlando Magic(5-1): The second most shocking result on this list, I can only imagine that my fool proof*** system is punishing them for Vince Carter's beard.
27. Phoenix Suns (3-4): "I know you have a little life in you yet. I know you have a lot of strength left. I should be crying" Pretty sure Kate Bush wrote that about this year's Suns team.
28. Detroit Pistons (2-5): Even in power rankings based on completely random selection of team names from a hat this team sucks. If Dumars trades Tayshaun for Jamal Crawford I will have to assume he is crafting this team as some sort of protest against unregulated free market philosophies that allow one dimensional corporate "scorers" unfettered reins to pursue their interests regardless of their effects on the overall "team" of society. And if that is true, then all I can say is "Where were you in 2006, sir?"
29. Los Angeles Clippers (1-6): Fear not, "Clipper Fans" your team still comes in first in the Racist Owner Rankings.
30. San Antonio Spurs (5-1): This joke took way longer to write than it was worth.
*In this instance these rankings indiciate how likely the team name was to have been pulled from a hat in the order listed.
** The numbers also do not tell the truth
