The First Ever Completely Un-Subjective Power Rankings!

A lot of people get upset by so called "Power Rankings" that are compile dvia subjective criteria that only expose the bias of the people compiling them.

In response I have decided to create the first ever Power Ranking system with no bias either in selection of the teams OR the methodology of some automated system.

Without further ado:

1. Charlotte Bobcats (1-6): Never count out Larry Brown! While his team's paltry offensive numbers and win total may have you underestimating their team, they clearly have something right going for them.

2. Philadelphia 76ers (2-5): Breathe a sigh of relief for Doug Collins. Apparently the team he thought was worse than he thought is now a contender!

3. Miami Heat (5-2): This result will surely upset Laker fans, but what doesn't? Interesting note: Lebron's usage % is slightly down this year at 30% from 33% on Cleveland. Wade's has stayed at ~34%, which is higher than any of Lebron's years in Cleveland.

4. Los Angeles Lakers (7-0): Don't hate me, I'm just the messenger! Los Angeles has had a hot start with Kobe Bryant deferring to Pau, and Lamar Odom stepping up in a big way. If they continue like this, they might one day catch Charlotte in these standings!

5. Oklahoma City Thunder (3-3): Everybody loves the Thunder! Except horses.

6. Indiana Pacers (2-3): To be honest I haven't paid attention to a single Pacer game this year. Is Collison doing well for them? Is Mike Dunleavy healthy? How about the Granger kid? I hear they have an amazing stadium!

7. Denver Nuggets (4-3): Is Aaron Afflalo's hot start a fluke or a sign of things to come? Or a sign of the end times drawing nigh? Or all 3? Only time -and the Dark Lord- will tell!

8. Portland Trailblazers (5-3): I like that Batum kid. His name sounds like a Godzillan footstep. And Rudy Frenandez is no longer upset at not starting, despite the deep seated hatred I assume the Spanish national has for his French teammate!

9. Golden State Warriors (5-2): Holy moly this team is playing better than expected. I assume they're only this low because everybody's terrified it won't continue.

10. New Orleans Hornets (6-0): You would expect a 6-0 team that had beaten the #3 team on this list to be ranked a little higher wouldn't you? Too bad! Remember, these rankings are bias free. What they rank is an objective statement of fact.*

11. Toronto Raptors (1-6): Don't be upset, Raptor fans- when translated into metric units this list makes no sense whatsoever!

12. New Jersey Nets (2-4): Jordan Farmar moved to the Nets to get more minutes, so he's getting 3 more of them per game! His shooting % is down from 43% to 29%. Of course everybody I looked up on this team had seen their FG% go down. At least they're slightly better than last year!

13. Chicago Bulls (3-3): Tom Thibodeau's defense is not quite set up yet, and his offense isn't much better. Both are pretty average. Therfor it makes sense for them to be .500 and around the middle of the pack for the Perfectly Unbiased Power Rankings.

14. Boston Celtics (6-2): Quite the tumble for the defending Eastern Champs, I know, but on the bright side, last year these ranking didn't even have them as existing!

15. Memphis Grizzlies (4-4): It's not cool to root for Mike Conley to fail just so you can make a lame joke about how his last name sounds like the adverb form of "Con."

16. Atlanta Hawks (6-2): Why don't Hawks fans ever go to their games? I'm guessing its because they don't give away a free pizza once a game like they do at Warriors games!

17. Houston Rockets (1-5): Anybody who saw this team starting the season 0-5 is a jerk and a cynic. And possibly racist!

18. Utah Jazz (3-5): Despite what many tend to think, Power Forwards are not standardized car parts that you can substitute in and out at will. Jerry Sloan will get more from this team, but Al Jefferson and the Jazz will take some time to acclimate to each other.

19. Milwaukee Bucks (2-5): Scott Skile's teams are known for their defensive skills more than their offense and true to form, his Bucks are 6th in the league in defensive efficiency but second to last on offense. I'm unsure if its possible for him to be the reincarnation of Larry Brown if Larry Brown is still alive. I don't see why such a physical barrier would stand in the way of such a spiritual process, though. Make sure to check for rifts in the Time Space Continuum when their teams meet.

20. Minnesota Timberwolves (1-6): By my count, exactly 1 good thing has ever happened to this franchise. Maybe one and a half if you count Cassell and Sprewell showing up that one year.

21. Cleveland Cavaliers (3-3): So should Minnesota tell Cleveland fans to quit their whining? Or did Lebron's more painful departure entitle them to it, while Minnesotans were generally happy to see KG get a shot at what they couldn't give him, like an impotent man who hires gigolos to satisfy his wife? Um, yeah.

22. Dallas Mavericks (4-2): I'm thinking of adding bias to these rankings so that Mark Cuban doesn't write a column about how stupid I am. Man, the numbers don't lie!**

23. Washington Wizards (1-4): I can respect Colin Cowherd's die hard Quaker beliefs, but respectfully disrespect his enormous idiocy.

24. New York Knicks (3-3): I think everyone is on the same page with Amar'e as the cornerstone of a franchise. It's a stretch, but less of a stretch as David Lee. It'd be nice if he rebounded more, but he needs help. Watching this team makes me hurt inside for Mike d'Antoni.

25. Sacramento Kings (3-3): My main thought when I heard about Tyreke Evans's speeding was how aptly it related to his game on the floor. Except his car needed to be bigger.

26. Orlando Magic(5-1): The second most shocking result on this list, I can only imagine that my fool proof*** system is punishing them for Vince Carter's beard.

27. Phoenix Suns (3-4): "I know you have a little life in you yet. I know you have a lot of strength left. I should be crying" Pretty sure Kate Bush wrote that about this year's Suns team.

28. Detroit Pistons (2-5): Even in power rankings based on completely random selection of team names from a hat this team sucks. If Dumars trades Tayshaun for Jamal Crawford I will have to assume he is crafting this team as some sort of protest against unregulated free market philosophies that allow one dimensional corporate "scorers" unfettered reins to pursue their interests regardless of their effects on the overall "team" of society. And if that is true, then all I can say is "Where were you in 2006, sir?"

29. Los Angeles Clippers (1-6): Fear not, "Clipper Fans" your team still comes in first in the Racist Owner Rankings.

30. San Antonio Spurs (5-1): This joke took way longer to write than it was worth.

*In this instance these rankings indiciate how likely the team name was to have been pulled from a hat in the order listed.

** The numbers also do not tell the truth

Wither Lebron?

After Tuesday's devestating 32 point Cavs loss to the Celtics, the internet exploded with Lebron Backlash. Not just among the predictable Kobe supporters, but among the staunchest Lebron backers. Those who cried loudest for a unanimous MVP vote now lamented this game with equal volume. Not without reason, either. Many of these are the most well respected thinkers in the analysis game. When Kelly Dwyer rips you its not because he's piling on for the sake of an easy column so much as you legitimately offended his deeply held basketball sensibilities. I could probably link to 3 pages worth of stories psychoanalyzing, judging, defending or otherwise weighing in on this topic.

The story has become as much a story as the game itself. Its been the sports equivalent of a Terrorist attack in a slow news week. I could spend 3 pages linking to the various analyses.

But I'm not here to talk about the past, I'm here to predict the future. Or as many potential futures as might exist. Namely, how might the various possibilities in tonight's game 6 play out in the media.

As I see it, here are the possibilities:

1. Game Result:
Possible Outcomes:
A- Cavs Win, force game 7
B- Cavs Lose
(I could break these into blowouts v. Close games, but don't think it will matter that much. If it does I'll note it in the analyses)

2. Lebron's Statistical Output
Possible outcomes:
A- Great
B- Average (for him)
C- Poor

3. Lebron's Energy Level
A- High
B- Average
C- Poor

Using these, I will project what the average media storyline will be for each possibility. For instance, a "1A2A3A" means Cavs Win, Lebron has a great game while putting in maximum energy- basically what happened in Game 3. 1B2C3C means the Cavs lose behind a poor game from James, who is seen as barely trying.

1A2A3A: "Now that's the Lebron we always expected! The only reason we wondered about him is because we knew this was possible! Keep it up!"

1B2A3A "While the Cavs' elimination cements Lebron's game 5 culpability, his team's inability to win when he has a great game perhaps shows why he was so downtrodden in that game. He knew that not even his superhuman abilities could overcome the crappiness of his teammates. Consider Lebron LeGone."

1A2B3A, 1A2C3A "Nobody could doubt Lebron's effort last night, and only the great defense of the Celtics and the possible nagging elbow injury could hold him to ("Below" if 2c) his averages, yet the fact that the Cavs won shows that Lebron's energy level is more important than his statistical production- making game 5 all the more inexcusable, even if he is injured- a question that looms all the more heavily now. What's clear though, is wounded arm or not, effort from the King is key to the success of the Cavaliers."

1B2B3A, 1B2C3A "Nobody could doubt Lebron's effort last night, and only the great defense of the Celtics could hold him to ("Below" if 2c) his averages. Ultimately that proved to be insufficient to extend the Cavaliers' season. Does this justify James' lassitude in Game 5? Perhaps not, though this result suggests the Cavs would have lost regardless of whether James tried or not, and casts deep concern on the state of his elbow. Will he need surgery or will rest suffice to heal it- and how does this affect his impending free agency? "

1A2A3B, 1A2A3C: "Lebron's effort last night, ("while better than the game before," if 3B) was still not as high as the nature of the moment demanded. Yet in the end it didn't matter. Even the great Celtic's defense could not prevent him from dominating with ease, earning his team a brief reprieve. But the easy dominance James showed last night makes Game 5 that much less believable. The elbow can no longer be blamed. Did he want to lose that game? Was he proving a point? What point was that? It is impossible to say and heading into Game 7 I challenge anyone to claim they know what to expect from here."

1B2A3B: "Lebron's effort last night, while better than the game before, was still not as high as the nature of the moment demanded. His stats won't show that to anybody checking the box score in the future, but it was clear from his demeanor that he was not as fully invested as we've seen before. Gone was the dancing and singing, as well as the defensive effort and leadership. And the Cavaliers' season is over as a result. His casual statistical dominance only makes the offense worse. If he can dominate without trying, what damage could he do with legitimate effort? And what does this make of game 5? What is Lebron's agenda here? We are all witnesses to the low point of what everyone presumed would be a historic career. He has let down not just Cleveland fans but fans of all basketball, of the future he could have had. No offense to the Celtics but this loss transcends the immediate result and casts a pall over the entire league that this man was anointed to lead."

1B2A3C: "Lebron, his boredom apparent on every possession of this game, nonetheless managed to put up extrodinary numbers, as if to drive home the point that he could achieve whatever he wanted, if only he wanted. As if to prove that injury was not the cause of his malaise to drive home a point to everyone watching. Perhaps we do not deserve him. Perhaps the game's ease has left it cold to him. Maybe he just really hates Mike Brown, his teammates, or his home state. Last night's game may be the most selfish display in the history of this game, if not sports at large and for that we should all mourn. This is not just an affront to local fans, this is an insult to anybody who has ever loved the game. Whichever team lands Lebron this summer- if he even deigns to return- should be wary. Stephon Marbury could net you the same result at a fraction of the price."

1A2B3B: "Lebron showed up to the game last night, if only just, and it was enough. We are still left wondering what is up with him, but he showed enough to survive another day. Game 7 becomes that much more important to determining where we stand with James, or where he stands with us..."

1B2B3B or 1B2C3B: "Lebron showed up to the game last night, if only just, but it wasn't enough to ("improve his stats or..." if 2C) save his season. Could it be that superman is just a man afterall? Is his elbow so injuired as to prevent him from his usual effort? Or are the Celtics just that good? We'll have several months left wondering what happened here and while teams still have to pursue him the summer with abandon, its an open question as to what exactly they are bidding on."

1A2C3B or 1A2C3C: "(If 3B: "Lebron showed greater effort than in Game 5, though only just, even if his stats won't show it." If 3C: "Once again Lebron couldn't be bothered to show up for the biggest game of his season.") But all that mattered this game was the production of his teammates who, in a reversal of roles, put him on their shoulders to carry the day. If game 5 was Lebron's attempt to show the world how inadequate his team was, game 6 was their retort. Any attempts to excuse his lassitude on them is proven false and the King must take responsibility for himself. Hopefully this turn of events can revitalize him going into game 7, and his damaged image can be repaired. But if it does, it took his teammates making him appear like an ass to get us there. But hey, if you reach the top you reach the top, no matter the road you got there by."

1B2C3C: "Lebron didn't travel around Ohio killing puppies by the truckload last night. Nor did he defecate in the water supply or tell the city to self-fornicate as Ron Burgindy once famously did. But he may as well have. At this point, he may have to send a third party to retrieve his belongings when he moves to whichever city he moves to because he is the most hated man in the state today. No longer will Ohio mourn his departure, or care about the fate of the local team. They are only now anti-fans of whichever team he chooses, rooting for their failure and misery. Lebron, long heralded as a basketball savior, has been exposed as the hardwood antichrist. And we are all his victims."

There. Now I can't wait to see which option comes true- or if an unforseen result transpires. Regardless, this is all a testament to my own obssessiveness than anything else. How does it present an intersection of Art and Basketball? Well it is the exact parallel to the visual process detailed here

If it comes to it I'll cover game 7's possibilities tomorrow.

-JD